Today makes Day 39 of the of the 2018 year, still leaving 326 more days that are yet to be unwritten. At the start of every year, I write a list a goals that I’am determined to achieve for the year. Not the cliche “New Years Resolutions” that most only keep up with two weeks and then revert back to their old ways….but real goals that I strategize and think deeply about. In 2013, I was determined to compete in pageants and by June of that year, I won first runner up in my first pageant ever. In 2014, I wanted to improve on how dressed , so I spent all year perfecting my style. In 2015, I wanted to perfect how I did my makeup, so I spent hours on YouTube tutorials learning techniques and made thousands of trip to Sephora to figure out how to properly beat my face. In 2016 and 2017, I wanted to drastically improve my skin, body, and overall health so I went to a dermatologist, purchased a strict work out regimen, and completely changed my diet. With the end of every year, I saw a goal that was once out of reach become actualized…and it was rewarding.
As 2017 came to a close I started to think about what I was going to improve on for this year. I got in front of the full length mirror and started to analyze every little attribute. I thought about working on my hair or toning up more areas of my body, and so many other things. But as I sat and thought about my goals in the past and compared it to the list in front of me, I noticed something…..all my goals were physical. From my dressing, to my makeup, to my body…I realized that I spent almost a decade trying to perfect myself externally, so much so, that it became my obsession. Sure, I wanted to feel beautiful. Of course, I wanted to maximize my potential. Yes, like most, I strive to look better and better every year. But eventually, I had to be honest with myself in my reasoning for doing so. I chose to focus on the outside because it distracted me from tackling all the issues I had on the inside of me. It was easier to use makeup as a mask rather than dealing with my insecurities that I had about my looks stemming all the way back to my childhood. It was less painful to revamp my whole wardrobe, rather than truly unfold why I leaned on clothes as a crutch to battle with my self esteem. But at the root of it all, I convinced myself that the more I invested in myself outwardly, the more I would grow to accept my self inwardly….a lie that’s yet proven itself to be true.
Throughout the years, I’ve had friends come up to me and say “The glow up is real”. And although I smile and answer back with a thank you, in actuality, it hasn’t been. It’s all just been a facade. Because when I go home and put my clothes back on their designated hangers, wrap my hair, wash off my makeup, and change into my comfy clothes….the same Linda from years ago is still there. The same Linda who struggles with loving herself, the same Linda who finds validation in others opinions, the same Linda who struggles to find contentment in herself, and the same Linda who struggles to forgive herself of her mistakes is still there, masking my reflection in the mirror. But not any more. In 2018, I decided to make this the year of the internal glow up. This year, I am going to learn to love myself flaws and all. I am going to learn to embrace my past mistakes and become a better woman because of them. This year I am going to ask God to help me break loose from any brokenness that I have allowed to control me and my outlook of myself. This year, I am going to break away from relationships that dont help me to grow in the direction of the woman God has called me to be. Most importantly, this year, I am going to learn to break down my insecurities and truly love Linda…not for who I was or for what I am going to be….but for who I am right now. And as I am starting to face my true self, I am starting to realize that I don’t need to focus on anything external. Because as I find fulfillment in who I am on the inside, that joy has no choice but to spread outward.
So far its been 39 days on this difficult but amazing journey. There’s 326 days still to come, but I have a feeling this year’s goal won’t end on December 31st. This year is just the beginning of a lifetime. So stay tuned world, because the REAL glow up is on it way. ✨