It was never supposed to be a complicated situation. We were just friends at first. I mean, sure, I thought he was a cool guy. I thought he was funny. I enjoyed befriending him. But that’s all it was. That’s all I thought it was ever going to be. But with time, he started coming around more often. Instead of hanging out in groups, it ended up just being me and him. We naturally started vibing. He started to learn more about me and I started to learn things about him. All of sudden things became different. I would catch him staring at me in a way that was different than ever before. He didn’t look at me in the way you would look at your friend…it was a look of admiration and curiosity. I could see the “what ifs” and “How would it be” simultaneously growing in our thoughts as we became closer and closer. Our hangouts started to become more intimate and we started to share one to many “moments.” And just like that, feelings arose.
At first we dodged all of the questions with “We’re just friends”. It was just easier that way. But then, that friendship led to talking. And that’s where we stayed. A “traditional” relationship was never in the horizon for us. Instead we were in this new age partnership called a “situationship”. More than friends, but not quite a relationship. And it just feels like this constant roller coaster. Going up and down, and round and round with emotions. In our highs, it feels great. In fact, it’s blissful. Nothing and no one else matters but me and him. A title means nothing but mere words and the world is ours for the taking. But just as the roller coaster comes up, it goes down. And when those highs turn to lows, I am harshly reminded that he is not mine and I am not his. In those moments, I feel my frustration of wanting more, yet receiving less. I feel haunted by uncertainty. The uncertainty of where he stands…where I stand…where we stand. I feel frustrated in fulfilling the role of a significant other, yet still having to censor my emotions to avoid hearing “Well, we’re not together”…the technicality that gives him the right to do whatever he wants to do, no matter how much it may hurt or offends me. I feel trapped in foolishness….knowing how the cookie will always crumble, but still hopefully that things will be different this time. In the low moments of the roller coaster, I feel trapped in hypocrisy. Because even though we aren’t in a relationship, we don’t want to see the other fall for someone else. Too selfish to commit, but too invested to let go. So we Hold on. And we keep riding this rollercoaster called a situationship. Waiting to see who will decide to get off the ride first.
This is a rollercoaster ride we’ve all ridden before. Some more times than others. Maybe you’ve been on this same rollercoaster for months, even years and don’t know how to get off. A lot of times, especially as women, we hold in hopes of things changing one day. Sometimes we hold on just for something to do. And Sometimes, we hold on because we feel that struggling with someone is better than struggling by ourselves. But by settling for a situationship, you’re only incuring all of the loneliness, disappointment, and sadness that you’re trying to save yourself from. When you settle for half love, you are sending the message that you only deserve 50 out of the 100% of love that God promised you. So in accepting half, you’ll be treated as half. You’ll get half the commitment, half the respect, half the security, and half the fulfillment. Believe me when I say, that a situationship is only and will always be temporary. Instead of investing in something that you know will one day fade, let it go. Finally get off that rollercoaster. Give your heart room to heal from the brokenness you experienced from letting someone half love you. And in doing so, you’ll regain the strength to receive the FULL love that’s waiting to find YOU.