I have another personal story Id like to share with you all. A few posts ago, I told you all about my past relationship and how it affected me. Shortly, after posting that however, I somehow started to miss him. I oddly started to reminisce on old memories, conversations, and just our old friendship in general. Despite the bad I experienced, I couldn’t stop thinking of all the good we once had, so much so, that I ALMOST reached out. But just as I was about to act on my weakness, something just wouldn’t let me. And at the time I couldn’t realize why, but as always, God finally revealed to me what he was protecting me from. I could lie to you and say I shrugged it off and that it didn’t bother or hurt me….but it did. And my missing him just turned into anger, hurt, tears, and self doubt. And when I finally got tired of crying, I realized that the problem was me. I am the one afraid to let go. I am afraid to let go of what was and realize what IS. Because I know that if I do, it would free from the situation and honestly guys, I didn’t know if I was ready to let go… Even though deep down, I know it’s time. So after talking to friends and trying to avoid my emotions (which got me no where) I decided to face the music and do the one thing I hadn’t done yet. I decided to reach out to the one person I knew would understand, and I wrote Him a letter asking him to help me. And Id like to share with you what I said:
I’ve tried to do this alone and I can’t. I’ve tried to do what I see others do.
I’ve tried being angry, I’ve tried bad mouthing him.
I’ve tried crying it out. I’ve tried fighting it with my own armor, but I can’t do it.
I thought I could do it on my own, but I can’t.
Lord I need you to fight this battle for me.
I pray and I am sincerely asking that you put your arms around me and love me.
Let me feel what true love feels like. And let that love be my strength through this.
Lord, I ask that you free me from this situation.
Allow me not to be held hostage by this situation anymore.
Help me not to be affected or moved by his actions.
Allow me not to see define my worth in how he treated me or in how he may see me.
Allow me to have faith that I am stronger than my emotions.
Lord, help me to forgive him. Help me not to be angry, help me not to be bitter.
Help me to focus on finding happiness, instead of focusing on justifying my pain.
Help me look at this situation through your eyes.
Dry my tears so that I can clearly see your purpose for this. Dry my eyes so that I can clearly see your blessing in all of this.
Lord, I ask that you mend my heart and reshape it to be better than it was before I allowed it to be broken.
I pray that you strengthen my heart and make me wise from this.
I ask that you prepare me and my heart for the true love you have waiting for me. Prepare my mind, body, and spirit for the man you designed for me.
Allow me to use this experience to appreciate true love when it finally comes.
Allow me to use this experience to appreciate myself.
Allow me to use this experience to appreciate the people that love me.
Allow me to use this experience to appreciate YOU.
And when I loose faith, remind me that you have always seen me through my trials, and you always will.
I read this prayer over and over again since I’ve written it. And nothing I’ve tried has been more encouraging to me than this. Even today, I witnessed it take me from almost crying to laughing with my friends and colleagues. I encourage you to write your own prayer. Write it honestly and intentionally. And watch God move in your life. I don’t know all of you personally, but know that I love you. And no matter what you are going through or whatever heartache you are experiencing, know that you…WE will get through it together.
Id like to conclude by letting you all know, that being this vulnerable is not easy. In fact, it’s almost scary. It’s never easy to share your experiences with others, especially when those experiences are tied to wounds. But I continue to do it, because it’s my hope that my voice speaks to someone, helps someone, and inspires someone to do better. ❤️