I’d like to share a personal story with you. Not too long ago, I thought I was in love. My friend became more than my friend, and life was nothing but a cloud. He was my first kiss, he took me on my first date, and he was the first guy I ever held hands with. Being that I was 20 years old when all of these things first happened, the excitement and butterflies that I felt when it came to him was indescribable. He was more than just “some guy” to me. He made me feel special. Most importantly, I felt like for the first time, a man saw me. For the first time I wasn’t just the friend that was overlooked. For the first time I didn’t have to wonder if I was pretty or cool enough. For the first time I didn’t have to question myself or try to figure out what I was doing wrong. For the first time, I felt that love could finally happen to me. And even though I grew to learn that the love I was feeling was nothing more than a decorated infatuation, I wanted it to be more….so I made it my mission to make it more. I was afraid of experiencing loneliness again…I was convinced that 20 years was enough. I didn’t want to feel invisible again. I didn’t want to loose the closest thing to a relationship that I ever felt, so I held on. Even when his eyes became cold and his words become colder, I stayed. Even when my smile of joy couldn’t remedy my tears of pain, I struggled through it. Even when his care turned into indifference, I stayed. Even when I became just another girl of many, I stayed. Even when everything in his actions told me he left, I still stayed….hoping one day, he’d come back. I backed myself in this tunnel of isolation, where I convinced myself that being happy with him was my way to the light. And I thought that if I could just get us back to that happy point,…get back to that first date,…get back to the love I thought we had,…then he would finally see me again. Even if it was at the expense of not being able to see my studies, my friends, or myself. And after months and months of trying and failing, I realized that a day of smiling could never quite make up for weeks of tears and agony. I realized that at some point, I had to come first,…because with him I never did and I never will. I realized that I couldn’t trust nor could I change the man he told me time and time again that he was going to be. Eventually, I had to find the strength to see myself, even if he didn’t. I had to let go.
However, despite all of the hurt and confusion I experienced from the situation, his presence in my life changed me in more ways than I realized. It was a trial I NEEDED to go through to get to where I am today. . Everything I went through with him forced me to depend on God and myself, which was the wake up call I needed. It took me time for me to see it, but our hardships coupled with everything else I was facing, allowed me to break down all the way down so that God could start slowly start building me back up. A process that I see manifesting each and every day. Through it all, I was reminded that God, my family, and my true friends will always love me, even if I didn’t have the affection of a man romantically. And quite frankly, that’s all I really need.
Even though I never thought I would see the light at the end of tunnel, I finally do. Don’t get me wrong I am human…Sometimes I get angry, I get bitter, and despite everything, sometimes I even miss him. But when that settles, I have peace because I know that one day, God will place someone special in my life. Someone that I won’t have to fight to love me, because he’s too busy fighting for me. Someone that I will be able to love and appreciate, just as he will for me. I won’t have to hold on or hope that he’ll stay, because his words AND his actions will show me that he’ll never leave.
So until then, I will continue to find comfort in the sight of God and of myself. Until the day he sends me the man whose eyes were meant just for me. My reason for telling you this story, is to encourage you to be patient with me, and wait for the same. ❤️